Reasons to Stay Home and Stare at the Wall…

Earlier I posted a group of films I am most looking forward to seeing in 2009, now it’s time to talk about the movies in production or recently released that should never have left the mind’s of those creating them:

Friday the 13th (remake) – Was this really necessary? The original was a classic, one that will creep out adolescents for the rest of their lives.. was it really necessary to remake this masterpiece? Not to mention that they’ve re-imagined it so that the villain is Jason himself and not mommy dearest. This is another example of how the horror genre in Hollywood is a carbon copy of the past. This film is being directed and produced by the same people who brought the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise back to life, and after watching the trailer.. it actually looks exactly like the TCM remakes… TRY SOMETHING NEW DAMNIT! The list goes on…

The Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience – As if I had to explain this one in depth….. and it’s in 3D….I pray to God one of them becomes a drug addict, maybe that way they’d be more interesting than an egg frying on a pavement somewhere in Africa.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li – why…Why…WHY!!? I am still waiting for a video game movie that doesn’t suck and I think it’s safe to say that this one is going to suck… big time! The addition of Vega is supposed to draw crowds, but let’s be honest ever since they started meshing Street Fighter characters with other video game fighters, the franchise took a wallop and never came back. On a final note… Why is Chris Klein (Nash) even in this film? Why is Neal McDonough playing Bison (he looks nothing like him btw)? Why am I still writing about this movie…….let’s move on!

Fast and Furious – The first movie had more wooden dialogue than a George Lucas scripted Star Wars prequal and showcased the various talents of such iconic actors as Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. After two sequels that were successfully below par. So why make a another one? Oh, that’s right.. because people are suckers for movies with fast cares and ugly women (yea I’m looking at you Michelle Rodriguez!!). This film should be straight-to-DVD, but the Hollywood megalomaniacs wanna suck this franchise dry for another run. So sad….

Dragonball – God knows I am going to hear hell for saying this, but this movie looks like a flop. Like last years’ Speed Racer; it looks under/overproduced and lacks a certain inspiration that would make this movie soar. My opinion is that the producers are relying heavily on the fan base to come out and support the film regardless of script or direction. The trailer starts off promising but soon falls flat with cheesy graphics, plus the lead actor doesn’t look fit for the role……they definitely could’ve done better.

Land of The Lost – Holy sleestacks!!!! Once a morning favorite of mine growing up, they’ve decided to bring it to the big screen. I love Will Ferrell and think he took a big gamble taking on this role; he’s not too keen on movie adaptations of television shows (Bewitched anyone?). So why do another one? After seeing the trailer, my fears have been confirmed. The movie looks like something a teenager with photoshop can put together and although it most likely will be funny, I can’t find myself sitting through approximately 2 hours of this shtick.

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra – Here is an example of Hollywood seeing the success of one 80s cartoon and deciding it’s time to move forward with another one… and here it is: GI JOE! I loved Joe as a kid and always imagined a live-action movie that would bring tears to my jovial eyes. I do not think this is going to be it at all! A Wayans brother should not be cast in this film, but I do like the idea of Dennis Quaid as General Hawk and Sienna Miller as Baronness. Good choices, I am just not sold on the story line nor am I sold on the graphics, they look sort of second-rate.

Saw 6,7,8,etc. – Enough is enough, stop making these films! They suck, their plots are contrived and torture porn is a fad of the past….

Save your time and your soul and try not to catch these films if you can!!!!