100% undeniable proof that there is life on Mars

Last week the Mars Rover, whose latest album ‘The Bedlam in Goliath’ rules, found ice. That’s a really good sign of life, but not conclusive. Well this week it turns out that there is salt in the soil.  Whaaaaatttttt!?!!??

from the experts:

“On Earth, asparagus, green beans and turnips could be planted in such an environment, and chemical-loving bacteria would thrive there,” he said.

Is the US Government planning on creating a super colony of bacterially enhanced martian turnips? No. But with global warming and the continuous destruction of Earth, we may be looking for a new place to live, or somewhere to install a giant ice machine like they did in Futurama. Remember that episode?

My concern is this: if there is “no life on Mars,” can we prove that there never was? It seems that Mars is frozen over and covered in dirt, we’d have to dig into the ice to find fossils, and risk waking a giant martian that can fly between planets and devour cities at a time. What if billions of years ago, the interstellar governance locked up a vicious beast in a ball of ice an sent it to orbit our sun? Then humans came about (however you’d want to believe) and got really nosy.

Wait… What if Scientology is correct? THETANS!

OK, back to the science.

“Mission scientists said another experiment that heated the soil to high temperatures and sniffed the gas found traces of water vapor.

The heating experiment, which was designed to look for organics, did not yield conclusive evidence of carbon. Scientists planned to study another soil sample taken from further below the surface.”

The only thing holding us up from colonizing Mars is the lack of any carbon, which is a big BOOOOOOOOO in Mars’ face. Don’t cock-tease us Mars, give us the goods. We know you have it.

from MSNBC